Archive | anger RSS feed for this section

God Mourned

“Of course I forgive her. She’s my mother. She was doing the best she could. You should hear what grandpa did to her!” “Carly” (a composite client) had just told me how her mother had beaten her. With very little emotion, she’d reported how her mom had used sticks, rulers, and bare hands on her legs, her bottom, and sometimes her face. I hadn’t asked about forgiveness. She’d volunteered that.

“I’m glad to hear you say you forgive her because God calls us to forgiveness for our own good. And yet, I think there’s more you need to explore. Can you talk about what it was like for you at six?” I smiled at her. I’d been seeing her for three months, but this was the first time she’d discussed her childhood. She’d come in for therapy because she couldn’t hold a job.

A tear fell from her left eye before she turned to stare out the window. “It was hell. I was afraid to go home after school. I didn’t know what kind of mood she’d be in. I remember one day. I thought she was okay. We were making muffins together for dinner.  I was excited about something or other and spilled the batter. She slapped me in the face.  I never baked with her again.”

Gently, I asked a few more questions, but that was all. Carly wasn’t ready. And she didn’t come back. I’ve never seen her again but when something reminds me of her, I ask Jesus to give her courage and comfort.

Forgiveness is more than saying the words, “I forgive her.” I believe Carly did forgive her mom, as far as she knew at that time. And yet, she needed to explore much more of her pain. And each level of pain requires its own extending of forgiveness.

jesus on cross Pictures, Images and PhotosWhen “forgiveness” is used as a way to short-circuit the process of mourning the losses, it becomes less than God intends. When God forgave our sins, he felt the pain. On the cross, in Jesus, God mourned.

He felt the pain of all our rejection, indifference, and spurning of his affection. Only then was the forgiveness complete. Our forgiveness is complete when we follow his example.

Where are you in your forgiveness processes? What’s the next step?

Father, we need your courage and comfort to forgive. Work out your wholeness in us. For your glory. 

 

Comments { 0 }

Kill the Killer?

“Forgive? I’ll never forgive.” Many years ago, responding to a crisis line call at 2:00 A.M., I had listened to a woman for half an hour as she raged against her brother’s murderer. After listening with compassion, I had ventured the possibility of forgiving the man who’d hurt her family. The vehemence of her response echoed in my ear. I’m guessing she called to vent her rage, not to discuss solutions. Her solution was already worked out. She knew who had killed her brother, she knew where he had fled to, and she was leaving in the morning to take a life for a life.

The Oxford English Dictionary, quoted in Wikipedia, defines forgiveness as ‘to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt’. Granted, suggesting this woman give up her claim against this murderer was suggesting a lot. The killer owed this family a great debt. Pardon was too good for him. There was no excuse for what he did. I don’t recall the details. Perhaps he had pulled a gun impulsively. Perhaps it had been planned in advance. Perhaps the man felt guilty, perhaps not. I don’t know any of that.

Anguish Pictures, Images and Photos

What I do know is that forgiveness is the only way out of the rage, bitterness, and anger that was keeping that caller up all night. Killing the killer would only perpetuate the cycle. Would the killer’s family come after the new killer? How long before there are ten dead? Twenty? It’s attributed to both Gandhi and Martin Luther King: “An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind.”

Yes, to forgive requires great fortitude. But what’s the alternative?

Jesus, you who modeled and called for forgiveness, show us the way.

 

 

Comments { 0 }

Studying Anger

Last week, I talked about reading emotions, particularly anger. In fact, we need to do more than read our anger. We need to study.

To study is to understand, to fit into an organized structure of information, to read and think and do experiments until we make sense of a subject.

Libraries are written on anger. A search yields 79 million results. We don’t need to read more than a few of those entries, a couple of books, and the Bible to study our own emotion of anger. Among other information, we’ll learn that everybody gets angry, though some of us deny that.  We’ll understand that most cultures teach their boys and girls differently about anger. We’ll get an overview of the kinds of situations that typically provoke anger. We’ll learn some wisdom sayings about anger. “A soft answer turns away wrath” the Bible says. (Proverbs 15:1)

The real challenge is examining our own anger thoroughly enough to deeply understand ourselves. Some of us feel we don’t need to understand. What’s the point? “I’m angry, I’m right, and life, the institution, or the other person needs to change.”

wisdom Pictures, Images and Photos

Others of us are too afraid or ashamed of our anger to study it. We just want to get rid of it any way we can. Some of us don’t even let ourselves feel it to start with.

My father was an angry man. If he had been a client, I’d have said he was a rageaholic, based on reports of his use of anger to control his family, including occasional episodes of out-of-control rages. The fear of what he might do in that anger led me to suppress my anger, for years. And fear of making others angry often alters my behavior.

Anger, like any emotion, is a complicated and deep subject. But the more we study our own responses, the more self-control and wisdom we can enjoy in our relationships with ourselves and others.

Jesus, You are the source of all wisdom. More wisdom, please, about our anger.

Comments { 0 }

Emotions give us information about what we really believe.

Anger, for instance. If we get angry when someone hurts us, we believe we are worth being treated well. A store manager refuses to refund a thousand dollars for a defective laptop. “It’s not working because you dropped it. That’s not covered.” We know we did not drop it. We are angry. We believe in justice and the manager’s behavior offends justice.

If we are treated without justice and don’t get angry, we believe we deserve how we were treated. Or we have given up expecting justice. Or we are not acknowledging our anger. Sometimes we don’t even acknowledge our anger to ourselves. For whatever reason, anger feels dangerous or wrong.

What we do with our anger is a different story. What I’m saying here is that an accurate reading of our emotions helps us understand ourselves. The next time we feel angry, we can ask, “What’s this about?” “What is going on here?” “Underneath this anger, do I feel sad or fearful?” “If so, what’s that about?”

A crucial piece of reading our emotions: What memories flash through my mind right now? Is what I’m feeling familiar? When have I felt this way before?

If these questions don’t yield helpful answers, ask Jesus. Even when we can’t read what we’re feeling, he can. And that self-knowledge leads to wisdom.

Jesus, be our wisdom. Thank you that you are the stability of our times, a wealth of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. (Isaiah 33:6)

 

 

Comments { 0 }